Monday, June 13, 2011
Why should I continue to love? In return, I receive no love. I'm like a corpse with no feeling. Like a black rose my heart grows darkened with the absence of color. The very thorns that pierce my heart, still haunt me to this day. Not having her love further kills me. Till I'm as dead as the very corpse buried and rotting. I walk as if I'm walking through flames. Still loving her and wants her love back in return. Always in my dreams and in my thoughts. Even when my heart's blackened, I still continue to love her and wishing that she could love me. Like a phoenix rising out of the ashes, I keep coming back with hopes that we could be together. Why should I continue to love even when I don't get the love? Because no matter what I do and no matter who I meet, I can never stop loving her. So I continue to suffer and continue to little by little fall apart. Hoping for the day that I finally have her.
Almost every day I shed tears. Tears that would seem like raindrops. Every day it could've been as if I was making a flood. I cry for many things. But not as much as I do for her. When I think of her I will shed tears knowing that she's not mine. Even when I saw her face to face I would cry in my sleep in failure as she didn't feel the same way that I feel about her. An endless river that flows of my tears. Reminding me that she doesn't respond to my pain. I love her more than everything in this whole world. I'd give my heart for her and even shed my own blood for her. But alas, she doesn't feel the same way. And even till this day I still shed tears. And as I cry a flood it will feel like blood dripping down. And on this day, I still hurt knowing that she won't be mine. So my tears will continue to build up into a flood only to be waiting to increase.
They say that the most fragile thing to break is glass. I disagree with that. I'm a walking example of a man who's broken so many times and still breaks. Every day I feel like a piece of me has broken into shards. Shards that could never be put together. Every day it keeps breaking whenever I think of her. Knowing that she doesn't feel the same way about me makes me feel like glass cracking. And it will soon break into many pieces. I will break and little by little my heart begins to shatter. As I walk I can feel pieces of my heart falling to the floor. As it leaves trails. My tears I shed would further worsen the cracks. And as I look at myself, I see myself going to a self-destruction. They say that glass is the most fragile thing. It's not more fragile than me.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Someone once asked me what is love? But then I told them, what would I know about love? Only that I cannot have it. All my life there was one girl that I ever actually felt love for. One girl that I actually respect and I would never hurt her. Even when I had girlfriends I never stopped thinking about her. And when I did have girlfriends it was only to get her attention. No matter what I do, no matter how I try to impress her or what tactic I try to make her see that I actually do care about her. That I actually have real feelings for her and I actually love her, she's the only girl that's ever made me feel great about myself. And she would end up with guys and it would always result in her getting hurt. Not only does she get hurt but I get hurt cause I feel for her and I want her to know that I am not like those guys and if she opened her eyes and sees that I really have feelings for her and love her than I would make her feel loved every day. But no matter what I do or how much I change, it's like if I'm invisible for her. Every time everything back fires on me. It just bounces right back on me like a mirror. I could never get her out of my mind. Even since the first day that we met. And I know I will never be happy until she's mine. Everyday I feel that my heart breaks knowing that she doesn't see how much she means to me. I feel empty, incomplete, and alone. There's times when I think I have to get hit by a car or something in order for her to see how much feelings I have for her. But no matter how hard I try and no matter how hard I try to change my appearance, and no matter how hard I try hurting myself in order to get rid of the depression, I know that she'll never realize it and her eyes will never be opened. Only time will tell but no matter what, I'll always be hurt inside knowing that she won't be mine.
My whole life I've felt like there's two parts of me inside one body. One good and one bad. The good me is always been what you consider a nice guy and always trusting. The bad part of me is the part where it's vengeful and deceiving and hateful. When I think of the two I think which one would I rather be? The good side has so many flaws. The good side will always endure pain, suffering. Painful love life. While the bad side wants to make everyone's life a living hell. Doesn't even care about consequences. And there's times where the two compete for what I should do in a situation. When I go with the good side I always end up hurt and depressed. When I go with the bad side I always end up feeling better. I feel like I can do anything and not worry about consequences. I ask myself what would be best? To live a monster? Or die a good man?
Everyday people wonder if life is fair. I disagree with that. I have had many things taken away from me. I had my childhood robbed from me and that is something that I have been carrying inside for a while. I never got to go on field trips. I never got to go to Disney, Universal Studios or any of those fun places as a child. And I never got to do any school activities with my friends. I failed to gain my mom's side of the family's love. The one girl that I still love till this day still doesn't notice me or won't have the same feelings for me. My attempt at love always ends badly. So is life fair? No! As a matter of fact life is evil and has so much bullshit in it! What I gave with all my heart in life I'm gonna forcefully take back and stop giving. But it's ok cause from now on I'm gonna live life my way with no regrets and I have every right in the world to be happy just like the next guy. Even if people don't like it or agree with the way I'm living my life. After all it's my life, my rules! And at the end I know that I will have the happiness that I've always wanted.